Reason for Living
by ladydhampir
Summary: Ones reason for living is quite hard to find... but once you stumbled on it, you tend to not let go. But as time goes by and decisions are made you'll one day see how much you've changed. Priorities shape a person... Decisions changes a person... one day you'll regret those decisions, so let me ask... would you resent this person? This person that is your Reason?


**A Reason for Living**

**.**

The wind tells me of things I had never wanted to hear…

It carries whispers, hisses and shouts from far and near…

There were screams and at times crying…

There are those I heard begging…

I never wanted to hear them but the wind wishes me to hear and so I do. I have grown to believe that the wind is cruel and it likes to mock and torture me whenever it could. The wind knows that I can only hear, hear what it wants me to hear… because I know that it knows that I cannot do anything but hear.

But at times I dare believe that the wind has grown fond of me 'cause at times it warns me, and leads me… I'd like to believe that it had saved me many a time already. It helped me save people I care for… warned me of dangers, whispers and threats so I may be saved. I'd like to believe that the wind cares 'cause it would be quite a thing If the wind dislikes me…

How am I supposed to win?

Win against the wind?

But then the wind simply loves to prove me false- repeatedly, truth be told. You see I live in a place where people like me gets burned on a stake, paraded and killed in front of the masses… there were those that were lucky enough to be beheaded. I never wanted to see and most definitely never wanted to hear but the wind would not let me escape, for it carries their screams, their cries and their pleas. It carries them right through my ears.

At times like this I begin to deem that the wind is more powerful than many had believed. I began to see that the wind does not carry the sounds to my ears… how could it be? When I feel each wave and each voice, each scream and each cry piercing my heart. Right through my soul

I had cried many nights, begged at most. For each time I laid and sought forgiveness… 'cause I am not powerful- not powerful enough nor kind enough. And the wind simply would not stop… until the cries stops, until there is no longer anyone to cry. And then the wind would be gone and it will leave me alone. Alone as the echoes of lost voices haunt my soul

Maybe I have grown accustomed to the cries after listening to them many a time but the wind simply loved to play games cause here I am once again hearing the things I had wished never to hear.

"You lied…"

His eyes were sad… far too sad. And his voice was low though disbelieving in tone. My heart almost stopped as my blood turned cold. I gave him a nod and a little guilty smile… for what could I do? For it was true…

"I lied…"

As his eyes turned sad grew darker and hard I flinched back, bit my lips and tried to smile. "Arthur… I am-"

"A liar. You lied to me... How dare you?! How could you?! Answer me! Merlin!"

Oh that made me stop- froze my blood and hardened my heart. The wind hath come again carrying the screams, the pleas and the cries… all echoing within my mind.

'_How dared I?!'_

Yes of course I lied. I lied so many times, too many in fact but somewhere deep within my mind I had hoped that those words would not be spoken. His expression was hard as was his voice, it makes me want to cry- break down and loose my mind for still I hear the screams, the cries and the pleas and along with it his resentment - all of which directed at me.

"Why?"

…

And then there was silence… a void opened as my guard was off. 'Why?' I blinked and then I stared for I failed to understand what he wishes me to say…

Pursing my lips as I closed my eyes, I tried to hide from the depths of his eyes- glacial blue so deep and so dark. Promising a fate, I'd rather not have. And so in my confusion I silently asked, "Why, why?"

Why would he ask why? Wasn't it obvious? Incredulity marred my mind and I wondered… I respect this man, respect him so much, I care for him deeply, we are two sides of the same coin…its stupid really, it's like saying we are one. Really we aren't cause how could we?

He did not answer, he simply stared looking at me with anger, disbelief and wonder. He looks as if I betrayed him… His hands shook as his eyes narrowed and I know just as I knew before that he is grasping every form of self restraint that he could.

But I, knowing all I know, sacrificed all I could and endured all I can could not feel any remorse nor any guilt cause now I know that I, who have sacrificed all I could had endured all I can for so long all for this man.

"Are you seriously asking me why?" I repeated.

"Yes."

And so I thought and truthfully I was surprised. For all those times I endured the screams, the cries and the pleas… as I walked around and hid my tears… was it possible that he was not even properly looking at me? T'was an arrow to my heart and a sword through my soul opening up the tightly guarded darkness I wanted no part of. It bled out releasing my sorrows, my pains and all my tainted thoughts. Releasing all my resentment, my anger and my bitterness

It was as consuming as it was frightening. It was sad… it brought anguish to my eyes. I care for this man… my Prince and my King, my friend… a very dear friend. As I see him inching for his sword looking at me with nothing but distrust my mind cleared for the answer broke my heart.

"…because I hate you..."

It wasn't a complete lie but wasn't the whole truth. I truly did not hate him, but some parts of me do. I do not understand it if truth be told… I fail to comprehend this feeling I have of him… this deep resentment. I don't know why… for I know I'll die… for him a thousand times over…

Even though I hate him…

And then I thought…

"I wonder… when did it start?"

"Start what?"

"When did I start hating you?"

And so as he frowned as I continued to wonder…

…I continued thinking…

…wondering and asking the wind for really…

Only the wind can tell when it all started.

…

And as the guards led me away I was silent, for I was thinking.

As I stood on the dark not truly feeling the cold walls of the dungeons I continued to think cause I could not comprehend how I could hate him when he is my destiny and that we are different sides of the same coin… we are in a way 'one'. And so how?

I barely noticed people visiting me… although I can't remember most of those times I seem to figure that they weren't there for me. I could not grasp the reality of it all cause really I still could not understand the why's of what was happening. All I know is that all these people I call my friends won't call me or remember me the same way as before.

Darkness has fallen over Camelot.

The King was furious and Arthur was… indecisive.

He was angry…

There was no denying his anger for most everyone has suffered his wrath. For Arthur, betrayal more so than witchcraft, was the greatest sin anyone can commit and so he was livid.

Whenever he came to visit the past couple of days all we did was stare. He would not speak and neither would I and then after a while he will leave. At times he would waver and would try to speak but most of the times he would just bite his lips and storm away.

The secret I hid for so long was now common knowledge to Camelot. It was now just too easy to leave. Escaping was not the problem… leaving is. I still could not decide… If I hated him more or if I cherish him more and I found my mind whirling slowly as time seemed to slowen in pace.

The dungeons never felt as constricting as this time. Oh I've been here hundreds of times and most of those times were because Arthur simply loves to make the guards drag and throw me there for the most mundane reasons. It was just so he could smirk at me from the outside. It was fun most of the time.

Now however it was just so dark… and time was just too slow and the air was just too dank. Maybe this was how Morgana felt… And that thought may have been the scariest I have ever conjured on those slow hours. It made everything darker. Understanding Morgana was something I never wanted to feel. And then of course I remembered Gwen… sweet, sweet Guinevere that Arthur loved so much. Loved and lost… trusted but was then betrayed.

Betrayal…

Tears unbidden started to fall. Betrayed by so many… all those inconsequential people that came and gone in his life along with those he cherished and trusted… Uther, Morgana, Lancelot, his Uncle, Gwen… and now Merlin. Or so Arthur thought. Lancelot and Gwen never really meant to betray him but specifics aren't actually registered by a grieving heart. An already wounded and repeatedly beaten heart.

And so on that last night his thoughts whirled fast as his life sparked once more. He gave Gaius a small smile and even greeted Mordred when he visited. He remembered shaking his head no when the druid/ knight pleaded to let him try to let Merlin escape. He almost smiled at the thought. Maybe he should give the kid a chance. Maybe.

Before dawn broke he almost smiled.

Arthur stood there watching again.

"Hello, sire. Can't sleep?" he said as he tried to smile. Just like old times. But then again he can't and so he frowned as he belatedly wondered if he looked constipated.

"No." was of course the answer and as sorrow glimmered on Arthur's eyes Merlin almost managed to smile. He was regarded once again with a frown and the proverbial question was again dropped. This time, by Arthur.

"Why?"

He thought for a while… There were a lot of reasons so he settled for the first reason among the many and most definitely not the primary.

"I didn't want to die."

For after all, how could he explain it if he said, 'I didn't want you to die.'

"All those times Merlin… all these years. After everything why did you not trust me?!"

"Oh I do trust you Arthur… but people around you just can't help themselves and always broke yours. It becomes difficult you know. Being friends with the Prince turned King of a kingdom that condones magic… and was repeatedly betrayed by magic. And Arthur… I _am_ magic. I was born with this. Never wished for it actually just never given the choice." He sighed a bit. "Pretty much like Morgana… as wrong as that sounds."

He was regarded by narrowed eyes and he shrugged.

"How am supposed to believe you when you lied for so long?"

"Oh I don't know… it's your choice. I can of course manipulate your choices but that won't exactly help my case."

"You're already not helping your case. I suggest you stop speaking Merlin… "

At that he did smile. Bickering. He missed it. He looked outside through the littlest window of the dungeon cell. He could just make out the lightening of the sky. And well of course the stake.

"Oh bare with it for a while longer Arthur. By the looks of it… by the end of the day you won't be hearing anything from me anymore. Better treasure my annoying voice while you can, sire."

Arthur gave him an odd look and he just grinned.

"Is your magic strong, Merlin? Or is it as pathetic as you?"

Well ain't that an interesting question. How should he answer? "Hmm… they call me most powerful actually. Very powerful." Truth it is then… a bit cocky but it was the truth. He almost laughed… he really should just shut up.

"Can you be a threat to Camelot?"

"_Can? _Anyone 'can' be a threat Arthur. But yeah… technically I 'can'. " Yep. He definitely isn't helping his own case now, is he?

"But you won't?" At that he closed his eyes. Arthur was trying… yes? He smiled fondly back at his King, his prince and his friend. Arthur was trying.

"What would my answer change, Sire?"

Even though there is no going back.

"Nothing."

Definitely no helping his case then

After that nothing was said… for a while. Camelot started to wake and the birds were already chattering away. And the both of them returned to staring.

"So you hate me?"

At that I closed my eyes and let out a sigh. He mostly thought of nothing but 'that' for the past days and the answer remains the same.

"Well… you are a prat- quite easy to hate actually since you made it just too easy because you never look. Closely enough."

"You had every chance to kill me yet you didn't. It's either you're really so slow, cowardly or you have no ambition."

"I really can't just- NOT want you dead, huh? But then again, I had only just realized I hated you a couple of days ago. Your prattishness is part of your charms you know. Made me overlook the resentment but then you just had to ruin it."

"If you're all too powerful… why are you still here? It's been days or are you just that slow?"

Chuckling a bit he shook his head and shrugged. "Must be… everything just flowed on too slow and maybe my mind also functioned too slow… Didn't notice the days actually thus explaining why I'm still here." Footsteps resounded and soon Gwain, Leon and Percival was there. All looking grim and yet determined.

"It's time?"

Arthur gave him one last look and then he turned to leave. Just as Percival opened the dungeon doors and Gwain entered to cuff him with the most stern frown on his face, hands cold and eyes pained, he smiled.

"Loyal knights to the King, yes?"

Leon regarded him with a stern gaze. "We're all loyal, yes."

"Loyal to a fault." Murmured Gwain that he smiled. He looked up to meet Arthurs eyes. The Kings eyes. Stern and hard. "The laws of Camelot stands firm." He said. "There is only one punishment for witchcraft."

"Death, sire?" he asked. He just couldn't help it.

Arthur stared for a while.

"Death."

…

It was ironic.

Before, this sort of mornings were the loudest. The wind would be at its busiest- telling him all sorts of things. Giving him messages, sending him pleas… mantra's filled with 'please' and 'save me'. But then again… this time the wind won't need to work.

After all this time it was his turn.

He need not hear his own pleas after all.

It was quiet… and it was stifling.

A quiet procession as he was led to his death by his friends as he was sentenced by his King… consequently… the one reason he was alive.

Oh the irony.

Gauis was there looking at him with hidden trust. They were never left alone together to just talk… they could not trust him to be alone with me. And so as I pass him by I gave him a smile and he gave me a nod. I think he is under the impression that I would escape.

For the likes of me… I still have yet to decide.

…

It was a long and slow procession from the dungeons to the stake… and maybe I got bored… and a bit sad. And so I talked… it was not a plea for help… just… It was the urge to speak... I wanted to talk.

"You know… when I was young, the first thing I was taught was to lie and hide." I saw Arthur stiffen from ahead and Gwain's hand tightened on the chains. But they did not talk and so I just went on…

"Up to now I don't know if I was good at it of horrid at it. Well I did reach this age so maybe I was somewhat good at keeping myself alive… although I never did manage to lie to get myself out of trouble… they always knew whenever I manage to knock down the fence… Or if I accidentally spooked the sheep."

"Well you are a clutz, Merlin." Said Gwain and I laughed. Good old Gwain.

"Is mother around?" I asked and Arthur stopped. He looked back at me and frowned. After a while he shook his head, "No.". After my quiet thanks and his small nod of 'welcome' we continued on and I continued to talk.

"Don't worry about her. Gaius can tell her. She'd be devastated… but she won't be surprised. I don't want to see her to cry again. The first time she cried in front of me was when I was… six, I think. For so long I had wondered why. She always tried to not cry in front of me… she weathered my hysterical screams whenever the plates would suddenly float or when the water urns would suddenly explode… now that I think back on it… I was a paranoid child. It was never good to know that if anyone saw the plates floating… I won't last till my next birthday."

I started when a cold hand gripped my wrist. Gwain let go of the chains in favor of it. Ah… strength. How I hope he can take care of Arthur for me. And then I finally saw Mordred looking lost just behind me. Maybe he can replace me… If ever… I need him to change his fate. I need him to understand… before I die… and so I talked.

"It is hard to be young and be afraid every other second knowing that I was one mistake away from getting myself hanged, beheaded and or burned to the stake… and to think I was five. " I was lost to my memories when I heard a loud crash. I looked up and saw a fallen coat of arms and a fuming Arthur who was glaring at me. "Why are you telling me this? What Merlin, are you trying to guilt me to free you?!"

I grinned up at him. "Is it working?" he looked livid and I shook my head. "Nah. I was just joking… I just wanted to talk… you did ask me 'why', yes?"

"It won't change anything." He said as he turned his back and continued to walk.

"I know, sire… I know. I can just make you forget about everything I say later, if you wish."

A quiet, "Don't" was all he said and I smiled then continued to talk.

"Back to Mother crying then… when I was six, on my birthday as we ate soup and bread she told me she loved me and that I was her little treasure- Maybe you are right and I am slow- But I made her cry so much that night that she couldn't look at me for days." Maybe the anxiety was making me bitter that I chuckled a bit at the memory. They were all stiff as we carried on walking… I could just see the stake out the window… we're quite near.

"I always wondered why she cried. After all I did smile and I was so happy that she wanted me. After a couple of years I understood. That night in my excitement I foolishly asked her if I was born with magic because she wished it. I told her I was happy cause being born to make her happy is better than being born to die. Like cattle… and chicken."

"You have to understand… I always wondered. 'Why am I alive? ' There must be some reason why I was born in the age where no one wants me to be born. I guess I grew up looking for that reason. It couldn't be because I make mother happy… I know she loves me and she's happy to have me but me being me also makes her miserable… so that just can't be it."

"So is that 'why' Merlin?" Arthur asked. I shook my head and said 'NO.' and he was quiet again.

"I hear them you know. Every time, I hear them. Before they die they would always use the last of their magic and will to ask for help. I would wake up late at night to hear them crying. They would be begging… pleading and at times just plain screaming. Asking anyone who would hear… to save them. They would call me over and over again. 'Emrys'… 'save me Emrys'… 'I know you can hear me, Emrys…' " biting my lips as I continued to blink. How pathetic… I was crying. Of all the days down at the dungeon I had to break down here.

"So was saving them your reason for being here then? Your reason for being alive?" Leon asked. Not looking at me… but not judging either. I shook my head 'no'.

"As you well know… I haven't….can't save them. Well… I can't save ALL of them. I just hear them… I didn't want to but I do… " I looked back at Mordred… I couldn't save his father. It was my fault. I tried to say sorry but he shook his head and smiled. Maybe he understands after all.

When I looked back up front I noticed we stopped. We were almost outside and the stake was just up ahead. And I still haven't decided yet.

Arthur turned to me, with eyes so sad carrying the guilt his Father refused to have.

"Is that why?" he asked.

"No and yes. No because It was as much my fault they died as Uthers. I could have saved them. I am more than powerful enough but I did not. I heard them and that was all I did. I can still hear them and it eats at me. But I chose not to save them… It was my choice and it wasn't an easy one. I had to keep reminding myself that I have a different destiny… I was born to pave a different path… and they were- as horrible as it was… on the way. "

"Do you know how you sound like, Merlin?" his voice controlled and he looked at me with as much disgust as he could give. And I belatedly realized that it was painful. I looked past him and I see the stake… I wondered how it would feel to burn. I belatedly realized that I if it continued this way…I was going to die. Very soon. And everything came crashing down. The numbness he had been wrapped in dissolved… tears fell uncontrolled and unbidden. He felt so miserable he laughed. He turned away and closed his eyes. "I know Arthur. I sound like Morgana… yes? Actually, she sounds like every one of them… before they dissolve to screams and pleading and just plain ash. "

Just then the trumpets sounded and finally it was time.

As he was led to the stake, to pass Arthurs steady form he felt an arm reach out. He stopped and turned to the side. Arthur was there… looking straight at him searching for the blundering idiot he called his friend. Then he asked. "This destiny of yours… have you reached it? Was it worth it?"

For a while he stared and later on he smiled. "Yes. Worth it. Definitely worth it. Although… I have to say… My destiny is tied to someone." It was a sad thing… to realize that half way through he couldn't pull it off… or maybe this was part of it. That his death was part of his destiny. After all… he had never seen himself in the future. Not once was he there. He blinked back tears and looked straight back at Arthur's, "Everyone is destined for something Arthur… Some of great goodness and some of great evil… My destiny and my life was meant for someone Arthur… someone that isn't me. I dare say… He is worth it. Every ounce of my power is worth his life… I will die for him if needed be. For him to reach his own destiny. He is destined for greatness… I will pave it. Even If I have to burn for it." I winced as he gripped my arm hard enough to bruise. "If he is so important… why won't you escape?"

'_He doesn't will me to.' _Was left unsaid. With my silence he let me go and I walked on. I saw Gaius looking expectantly at me… waiting for any sign… I shook my head. "I'm sorry Gaius." I closed my eyes and turned away as his eyes widen. I imagined his eyebrows raising just to make myself feel better. I almost laughed. When I opened them again I saw Gwain. He gave me a look and I realized that he was waiting too… They can't betray Arthur. He suffered too much already…but they do expect me to escape…

It was a nice thought.

_'But I can't betray him anymore than I already have. I've done enough.'_

As the guards finished up the stakes… the fire wood and the gas a familiar voice called out…

'_Emrys'_

'_Mordred'_

'_Why won't you escape, Emrys?'_

I sought him out and he was there frowning at me. I gave him a smile.

'_Why are you alive, Mordred?'_

'_Because I was saved.'_

'_Why do you keep on living?'_

'_I don't know…'_

'_Can I give you my reason, Mordred? Protect him for me… '_

'_Emrys…'_

'_Promise me'_

'_I have a different Fate, Emrys…'_

'_I know… change it. Share my fate… my destiny… won't you? Protect him for me…'_

'_Emrys… why won't you escape, Emrys?'_

Keeping my gaze steady I smiled.

'_Destiny'_

…

The trumpets sounded and I was surrounded by the smell of gas.

Arthur stepped up… The King stepped up. One day he'll be an even greater ruler… the King of Albion. How he wishes to see it.

"Every Kingdom is built upon on tradition and Laws. No one is above the law… And in this case the Laws of Camelot will stand firm. There is only one sentence for the crime of sorcery… although I ask you, sorcerer have your magic brought harm to Camelot? Answer truthfully… are you guilty in bringing harm to the Kingdom? How do you plead?"

Of all the questions… he smiled bitterly at the thought. He really cannot talk himself out of a situation. He brought his gaze back to his King watching him. He looked… well, like a King. Not the pratty Prince he met long ago… The Prince was now King… a great King. And he asked him to answer truthfully…

"_Guilty" _

...

The fires burned and the wind came. He was expecting pain beyond belief… something excruciating and otherworldly… it did not come… and he wondered why. He looked up at Arthur and found him gone. He blinked, looked around, and finally saw. The stillness. Everything was still… and yet there was disorder. And then he finally heard the screams. And finally the Knight were there, swords at his throat. 'Why?' He took a breath expecting to choke but he did not. And then Arthur was there. "Arthur?"

Arthur stood there a frown on his face as everything else slowed down and every other voice died out.

Blue met gold and he realized.

"Stop. Merlin."

And there came the heat. His magic protected him… but it will listen to Arthur.

As the pain grew in intensity he blinked back tears. His magic will listen to Arthur.

"Arthur?"

"You're an idiot Merlin."

"I know."

The flames grew higher as the heat came close. Ever so close…

"You told me… I was destined for greatness… yes?"

"Yes. The Greatest King that would unite Albion."

"Merlin… The King Isn't above the Law…"

"I know."

Worried eyes stared back at him and then they became patronizing.

"Do you hate me Merlin?"

He grinned.

"_No"_

And then the wind was back fanning the flames up and everything was consumed… turning all there was to ash.

And then he was gone.

"…_you prat."_

**-END-**

**The story ended just as it seems but I am not telling you here. X3 Sequel? I don't know. This IS a oneshot... Epilogue? maybe. Most probably. I tried to keep them in character... I'm afraid I failed. O.o**

**For those who read my other stories... I am not giving them up. I have written parts of them... for all of them. Just that I am currently in a slump... specially with Behind the Mask. I have finished most of it... but am more worried about the chapters that follow... But I am working on it! I swear**

**Review? Please? X3**


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